Tainted-Beauty

Why are you such a bitch? Why do you always wanna be in control? Why don’t you ever try to understand others’ point-of-views? Why are you so selfish, conceited, narrow-minded, and hard-headed? And most of all, why can’t you understand that I’m a human being with feelings, and emotions, and wants, and needs, just like you and everybody else, and not a robot?!

Did you realize this when you decided to have children? Did you think “kids” was a code word for “offspring who can serve as my personal bots”? That’s how you treat me and I’m sick of it. I can’t tell you anything because you won’t care. I can’t tell you anything because you won’t understand. The many times I’ve tried, we ended up having arguments because you refused to see my point. You always want me to understand what you’re going through but you could care less to understand what I’M going through.

I know things in DR are very different from things in the US. You grew up differently from me. I can understand that, but can you? Do you know we’re in the year 2011? Did you know America is a free-er country than DR. Do you even know the American history? I bet you don’t. And I bet you don’t care to know it either.

You’re supposed to be the person who I can turn to for support, for sympathy, for understanding and comfort during the roughest times of my life, but you’re the exact opposite of that. I can tell my friends my problems and expect them to understand better than you. And sadly, most of my problems start with YOU.

You say you want me to go to college, have a career, and make something out of myself so I wouldn’t go through what you went through growing up. But do you REALLY mean it? I mean really?? You sure don’t act like it. I try to study, you don’t see that. So you always say I don’t do anything but stay in my room all day. I have so many hobbies. You don’t see them either. So when I’m working on a hobby, you also think I’m slacking. Has it ever occurred to you I do most of what I do in my room? Why don’t I ever leave my room? Maybe it’s because I’m trying to avoid you. And I am. You could turn my good mood into a bad mood faster than my computer can load.

If I could, I’d move out right now. I’m 23, I don’t need to live with you anymore. You have NO IDEA how badly I want to move out. Unfortunately, I don’t make enough to make that change. You make my life miserable. I’m tired of you trying to control me. I’m not a little kid anymore. I don’t need you to hold my hand. If I’m going through something rough, let me. I want to be independent. I want to work things out myself. In fact, that’s how I’m used to doing things. On my own. You were never there mentally for me to turn to. So independency is something I’ve grown to get used to. You’re ganna have to realize that.

The economy has gotten worse and worse. I’ve been searching for a better paying job since last year. Had some interviews at the start of this year, but didn’t get hired because these places want experience and degrees. But you don’t see any of that. All you see is that I still haven’t gotten a new job. You say it should be easy for me because I speak English and know computers like the back of my hand. Those qualifications may have been good 5 years ago, but these days they’re not good enough. I wish you would quit thinking that everything is as easy as it seems. Even you should know by now that’s not true. NOTHING is ever as easy as it seems. I wish you’d realize all the trouble I’ve gone through, but all you can see is what’s not there.

I don’t cry for anything as much as I cry for you. You’re the cause of my depression, melancholy, frustration, and sorrow. I’d like to believe one day you’ll understand what I’m saying, because I’m a believer. But I’d only be kidding myself. Whenever I can get a point across to you, it feels like I’ve taken one big step forward, but 20 giant leaps back, because there will be something bigger which you’ll fail to see later on. My war with you will never end, because that’s how you want it to be.

I bet you’re happy that I haven’t found a new job yet, because this way I’m forced to continue living with you, where you can watch my every move, restrict me of any freedom or happiness, and keep trying to control me. I’m not a remote control. You push a button on me and you’ll get a different reaction from what you intended to get. Your abuse has made me stronger, but I’d like it to stop. I’ve become strong from other things in my life. This kind of strength doesn’t come and go, it sticks with me forever. A girl needs a mother in her life, and right now the women I consider mothers to me are nothing like you.

As far as I’m concerned, you’re my “biological mother” to me, instead of just my mother. You say you want me to succeed in life, but everytime I get close to any bit of success, you take it away from me. Literally. Why do you do that to me? No one can hurt me quite like you. I don’t like seeing you sad, but the only things that make you happy are things that hurt ME. I work hard for any success I’ve attained, and I’ve learned to keep anymore successes to myself. I can’t tell you anything anymore, because if I do you’ll make sure to ruin it for me.

I’ll never understand why you do that, and you’ll never understand me. I guess this will be one of life’s hardships that’ll remain untouched, because nothing I say seems to move you. You just….don’t care.

I’ll end this letter here. I feel like I’ve said everything I wanted to, for now. I love you mom…when you’re not yourself.

I’m really sick of my parents trying to get me to do THEIR work >.< How the fuck can I concentrate on school with these bastards interfering all da time! My rents are going to some resort with relatives next month, and my mom’s trying to get a hotel close to it. The one she chose is an hour away! Nice going mom! So now they’re trying to get ME to do the searching for them. Gee mom, I’d love to but I rather watch chimpanzees eat bugs off each other! Like I aint got shit of my own to do. I have 5 weeks worth of book work to catch up on. Since my financial aid fell through it’s made me behind on school work. But according to my mom, her duties are more important than mine *rolls eyes* I swear, when I get a chance to finally leave this place, I’m never contacting my worthless family again!

All they care about is themselves. They don’t give a fuck about me! They only think of me when I can do something for them! Otherwise it’s like, “Um, who? Oh yeah, our daughter. What about her?” She knows nothing that goes on in my life. Of course she never knows when I’m depressed. Most of the time she’s the cause of it.

One thing I’ve learned is that when you have a selfish family, never let them know what you can do. If you do they’ll take full advantage of it. I love to help, but with my family it’s a WHOLE different issue. It’s definitely NOT “help.” It feels more like slavery. I am not happy. And my mom really couldn’t care less.

It wears you down.

I thought I left the depression wagon years ago, but it’s one of those little fuckers that when you’re unhappy with some aspect of your life, it’ll find it way back I feel myself getting depressed in and out. The out part is my doing, the in part is life’s doing. As long as I’m unhappy with my life, I’m going to continue feeling this way I hate it. I’m neglecting loved ones, I’m putting important things on hold (and some things have been on hold for over a year), I’m neglecting my duties. Now all these things have stocked up in a pile and the more it stacks the worse I feel. I try to get some things done but then more things join the to-do list. I feel like I’m ganna be stuck on this road forever.

I feel so guilty about neglecting the people I love, but at times like these not even they can cheer me up. Especially when everyone likes to change the subject all the time like you can bounce how you feel or something *rolls eyes* I can’t have anymore things on the pile. I’ve tried to come up w/ a way to get things done without them piling up. I’m ganna TRY to do things as soon as I’m supposed to. Not saving them for later, especially if it’s important. Coz I can’t take this anymore! :’(

The only people who make me feel better are my friends on Twitter. I know more people online who can relate than offline. Too bad I don’t know them in person :-/ …

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